Two and a Half Angels
by rlylaughable
Summary: Gabe, Cas, and Adam open a bar. Hijinx ensue. This fic is highly potent crack, and will probably be quarantined by the CDC within the next 48 hours, so get it while you can!
1. Chapter 1

In the blink of an eye Adam found himself in a bar, sitting next to What's-His-Face Angel Dude, who appeared to be equally confused. They glanced around the room and occasionally looked expectantly at one another before either of them spoke.

"What the fuck?" Adam finally said, "Did we just, like…Apparate?"

Angel Dude blinked a few times before responding.

"Well, no, you can't really Apparate _other_ people to a specific location. I'll double-check the Lexicon though."

Adam stared for a moment, furrowed his eyebrows, and turned away.

"I repeat. What the _fuck_?"

"Jeez, I'll explain the fuck to you, calm down."

Adam and Angel Dude both spun around, a task made all the easier by the spinny bar stools. They now faced a rather vertically challenged fellow, presumably another angel.

"What do you want, Gabriel?" Angel Dude growled.

_Not knowing his name is looking to be a potential problem. _Adam thought.

Gabriel smirked.

"What do I always want, Castiel?"

_That worked out!_

"Sadistic amusemen– oooh, okay. Right." Castiel sighed, "What theme will we be enjoying today?"

"Well, see, I was on another one of my Nyquil benders, watching the CW…"

"Christ." Castiel groaned, head falling into his hands.

"…and I was thinking how much fun those _Two and a Half Men _guys seem to have…"

"_Fuck._" Adam mumbled.

"…but so do the people on _Cheers_…"

"_Cheers _isn't even on the CW! It's on the Hallmark channel, weekdays, after _The Golden Girls_!" Castiel yelled, apparently insulted. Adam refrained from an exaggerated sigh, followed by a "_Really?_"

"…so I thought it would be fun to do _Two and a Half Men_, but in a bar. We all own a bar together and get into all sorts of wacky hijinx."

"But you guys aren't men!" Adam said, hoping this would work but not expecting it to.

"_No shit_," Gabriel said, "That's why we're gonna be _Two and a Half_ _Angels_."

"But I'm not an angel!"

"You're sure into anal, aren't ya? I mean, anal. What else would you suggest? _Two Angels, a Bastard, and a Bar_?"

Adam paused.

"Fine, alright. But does it really have to be a bar?"

"What do you have against bars?" Gabriel and Castiel said in unison, looking at Adam like he'd just admitted to being a meth-addicted nymphomaniac.

"I mean…surely there are better places." Adam looked to Castiel, who was shaking his head, eyes widened in panic. Adam ignored this and faced Gabriel again.

Gabriel grinned.

"Well, if you ask nicely, we could do this in some apartment complex where everyone's fucking, or a private New York prep school where everyone's fucking, _or _a Beverly Hills high school where everyone's fucking, _or_…"

"Okay, jeez! Fine! I don't even wanna _think _about fucking either of you." Adam said. Castiel looked slightly wounded; but then, he always did.

"Excellent!" Gabriel chirped, "Let's start getting ready, we open in four hours!"


	2. Chapter 2

"So, wait, is there gonna be a laugh track and everything?" Adam asked, performing a final scrub on the bar, standing behind it.

"I dunno," Cas replied as he situated the glasses on the cool upper dangly thing, or whatever it was called. Adam made a mental note to learn the proper names of all the furniture in the bar.

"And how long are we gonna be here?"

"Up to Gabe,"

"And there's nothing you can _do_? And since when are we on nickname status? And why don't I have a nickname?"

"You've already had some, haven't you?"

"Just some white wine… and Jack Daniels."

Castiel sighed.

In a few hours, the bar was filled with hipsters. Actually _calling _the bar Two and a Half Angels

had apparently evoked the desperate-to-appear-ironic lobe in them, and they were thus drawn

to it. Adam was pretty sure that if he saw another shirt with Obama's face on it he would puke

out one of the daughters. Hopefully Sasha. Malia looked like an uppity bitch. Sasha was

definitely the fun, talented one; the Lindsay to Malia's Ali.

Adam shook his head to keep his vision straight. He was not meant to work in a bar. He'd purposefully never kept alcohol in his home, because he knew he'd just drink it. Same went for weed, Cosmo brownies, and stickers. He just couldn't prevent himself from smoking it all, eating the whole box, and plastering every Lisa Frank sticker to his face.

Adam shook his head againand poured yet another Jagerbomb.

Gabe came downstairs dressed like a mob boss. Adam and Cas exchanged a glance and said nothing. Gabe looked around, and a look of disdain began sinking on his face. He stormed up to the bar.

"What the _fuck _is this?"

"What?" Cas groaned, rolling his eyes.

"What are all these Urban Outfitters douchebags doing in _my bar_?"

"I thought it was _our _bar. _Two_ and a Half Angels, remember?"

"Does that mean the bar's only half mine?" Adam said, probably trembling his lip too believably.

"Adam, stop talking." Cas said.

"No! It's not! And this bar is supposed to be filled with colorful residents of Boston, not people who buy fucking donut Christmas tree ornaments!"

"Then, perhaps opening the bar in the middle of Manhattan was a mistake."

"We're moving to Boston then." Gabe said, turning around.

"B-but," Adam said, "The only notable thing to come out of Boston was the American Revolution, including but not limited to the Boston Red Sox _and _the New England Patriots!"

In any other bar in the world, that statement would have elicited gasps of horror and maybe get Adam punched in the face. However, here, no one seemed to care. Adam looked around, at all the checkered scarves and skinny jeans and beards.

"Yeah, okay," he finally said, "Let's go to Boston."

"See, I told ya it would be fine in a few minutes." Cas said to Gabe.

"Wait, you guys were talking?"

"…Adam, give me the beer."

"…yeah, alright."


	3. Chapter 3

"Why is this happening to me?" Cas whispered, wide-eyed. Adam wanted to comfort him, but he was horrified, himself. Gabe hadn't spoken for half the movie.

Adam couldn't believe he paid ten bucks for this shit.

"No! M Night…whatever! Stop with the extreme close-ups! Good _Lord _I feel like I'm being raped by the face of a racially ambiguous child!" he yelled, "And whose bright idea was it to see this fucking movie _sober_? Damnit, Cas!"

"Excuse me," the guy behind them whispered, "Some of us are trying to watch the movie."

"_Why?_" Cas cried, seemingly on the verge of tears, snapping around.

"God_damnit _Dev Patel, _stop _overemoting! _And stop telling unconscious people your life story_!"

"Guys, I might need to tap out." Gabe said.

"No, Gabe! We're all in this together!"

"Now I'm thinking of fucking _High School Musical_, Adam!" Gabe yelled, leaning to stare Adam down.

"That is messed up, Gabe," Cas said, "They're high school kids."

Adam snickered.

"Shut the fuck up!" Gabe said as he stood, "I am gonna kick your asses!"

"No! No!" Adam said, "We are not getting in a fistfight at _Avatar: The Last Airbender_! That is _way _too Rahm Emanuel for my taste! Plus I'd, like, kill you, dude."

"Wanna bet?"

"How can something be _too _Rahm Emanuel?" Cas asked, turning.

Adam closed his mouth. Gabe furrowed his brow.

"Okay, good point." Adam said. He and Gabe sat down.

"Hey, Gabe, you still got that absinthe?"

"I think so."

"You snuck absinthe into a movie?" Cas said.

"Yeah,"

"_Sweet_,"

"The balls is this?" Adam said, when they arrived back at the bar, after waiting out the absinthe at Old Chicago.

"The balls is what?" Gabe groaned.

Adam pointed. Gabe and Cas looked. There, across the street from Two and a Half Angels, was another bar; Satan's Bar.

"No." Gabe whispered.

"This is like fucking _Goodburger _or some shit!" Cas yelled, "Fuck! But Kenan and Kel aren't here so it's not as awesome!"

"Didn't Kel die?" Adam said.

"No!" Cas replied.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure he did. He was doing heroin with Erik von Detten and overdosed and died."

"Nuh-uh! Look it up, he's not dead!"

"Fine, I will Wiki this shit on my phone! Wanna make it interesting?"

"I am not going to make a bet with you over whether or not Kel is dead. But since you asked, ten bucks,"

"Guys! Focus! We are in trouble! That bar is way cooler than ours!"

"Okay, fine, he's on some show on Adult Swim." Adam said, pocketing his phone and pulling out ten bucks.

"Score, broke even from _Avatar_."

"We'll never break even from _Avatar_, psychologically. I got all kinds of complexes now, you have no idea."

"_Seriously guys we are knee-deep right now_!" Gabe yelled.

"Stop freaking out, Gabe, who would want to go a bar called Satan's Bar?" Cas said, unlocking the door to the bar.

"I would," Adam said, "Sounds like a fun time."

Cas and Gabe turned to stare at Adam.

"_Fuck_," Cas said.

After they assigned temporary control of the bar over to Rhea Perlman, Gabe, Cas, and Adam went to Satan's Bar, to assess the situation.

"Fuck," Cas said when they walked in, "It's a techno bar."

There was a strobe light and fake smoke and a throbbing mass of people on the lower deck, apparently the dance section. The actual bar was glass, under which there were flashing lights.

"Man, we're lucky to get 15 people at once in _our _bar." Adam said as a girl dressed like Hello Kitty grinded on him. He wasn't sure where she came from, but he wasn't about to stop her. "Hey! They got shot glasses with a little penis in them! It's erotic _and _hilarious!"

"We gotta find Satan." Gabe said, "This is _our _turf. He's gonna have to move his bar somewhere else."

"Really?" Adam squeaked. A girl with a glow-in-the-dark beaded bikini top had joined Hello Kitty.

"Yes, Adam. Besides, those girls are demons."

"And?"

"They both have gonorrhea."

"And?"

"Of the throat,"

"_Oh God!_" Adam yelled, pushing their asses away from him, "Yeah, we gotta find Satan, this place is bad news."

Gabe walked up to the bar.

"Where's the owner?"

"Who wants to know?" The bartender asked.

Gabe pulled up his sleeve. The bartender nodded, and pulled the walkie-talkie from his belt. Adam couldn't hear what he spoke into it.

"What's on your arm?" Cas asked.

"Nothing. I have no idea why that worked."

After a moment a large man stepped up to their group, and nodded, indicating that they were to follow.

They got to a door at the other end of the bar, guarded by another large man. It led to a set of stairs, leading to anotherdoor. The large man knocked.

"Yes?" Adam distinctly heard Satan's voice.

"You have visitors."

"So?"

"One of them's, uh, an angel,"

Adam and Cas looked at Gabe, who shrugged.

"Ah, very well then," Satan said.

The door creaked open.

They entered, to see what appeared to be the exact set of Scarface's office at the end of the movie, sans the large mound of cocaine. Adam was strangely disappointed.

"What do you want, Gabriel?" Satan hissed.

"Why'd you build your bar right across the street from ours?"

"The building was available."

"No, it wasn't. This used to be Four Asians."

"They went out of business." Satan said with a smile.

"They were in business yesterday. We ate there."

"Well, after the injuries those four Asians sustained, they were physically unable to run the restaurant. I graciously bought the building from them."

"You bastard!" Adam yelled, "Those four Asians were kind and generous! They _always _gave us free wonton soup!"

Cas grabbed Adam's shoulder.

"Keep your cool," he mumbled into Adam's ear, "We're with Satan and we have no salt."

"That's right," Adam replied, clenching a fist, "Only pepper. Useless."

"Look, Satan, the fact is you're detracting from our business. Please, um, cease and desist." Gabe said, weakly.

"It's a free market, dear brother."

Gabe sighed.

"I can't even reason with you. There's only one option left."

Satan tilted his head to the side, bemused.

"We're gonna put you out of business with our trendy bar!"

"Wait, what?" Adam said.

"Our _new _trendy bar," Gabe said, grinning and placing his hands on his sides.

"I look forward to it." Satan said.

"Come on guys, let's bounce." Gabe said, spinning around and striding toward the door. Cas followed.

"Just wondering, do you have any coke?"Adam asked.

"Adam!"

Gabe was pacing back and forth.

"Ideas, ideas…" he kept mumbling.

"I can't get a hold of Lindsay Lohan." Cas said, "Damn, then we would have been trendy for sure."

"Just so you guys know, I'm not actually Carla."

"Shut up, Rhea Perlman!" Adam said, filling a glass from the tap, "Remember, we rescued you from Danny DeVito. You owe us."

"Good point," Rhea Perlman said, taking the glass and whisking away to the awaiting customer.

"Ideas, ideas…"

"That's not gonna help you actually get ideas, Gabe."

"You guys aren't exactly helping, either!"

"Gabe, I'm working. Cas is drunk. We're not in the best brainstorming states of mind. Besides, I really don't see the problem. People are coming here to pregame for Satan's Bar. That's still significant business."

"Ideas, ideas…"

"Are you sure this isn't out of brotherly rivalry?"

Gabe turned sharply.

"I'm going upstairs." With that, Gabe stormed off. Adam shook his head.


End file.
